I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
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Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Help Wanted
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe