I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
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Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I bet birds love this building.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
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