Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
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The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao