maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
You Might Also Like
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
crochet youtube is brutal
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.