Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
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I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill