A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
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My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the