No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
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Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there鈥檚 only fruit for dessert.
I鈥檓 not a professional photographer, I鈥檓 just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn鈥檛-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that鈥檚 a lot of cat gifs.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I鈥檓 just on my own I鈥檓 pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I鈥檓 pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I鈥檓 often found with chips
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Do NOT do this 馃檮馃檮
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let鈥檚 go to the hospital
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Hell hath no fury like me when I鈥檓 ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Truth
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die