[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
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you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast