Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
You Might Also Like
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Your honor these allegations are
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.