Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
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I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Sounds like a bargain
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!