A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
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Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.