If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
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One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.