hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
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Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Somebody’s lying.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right