20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
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Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
mom gave me mine for free
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.