If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
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Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
seems fine
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.