WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
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You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
My dress code is business-casualty.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid