What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
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That eye roll….
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
sin harder.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
CUTE CAT‼︎
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.