Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
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I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?