[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
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Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?