Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
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Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
He’s cranky this morning
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
🙁
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk