a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
You Might Also Like
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”