me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
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Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.