i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
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windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
(Jupiter –
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”