Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
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Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.