Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
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I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Yup.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.