“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
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[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Leaving the Barbers like
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
They’re not wrong
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.