My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
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My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
u spoke cat all this time??????
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Chemical wingman
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ