For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
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In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Good morning y’all ☀️
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”