Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
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Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Smooooooth
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.