This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
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The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
That’s a good costume, I hope.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”