I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
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Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
The future is now.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
sigh
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?