5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
You Might Also Like
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I have no passwords left in me
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that