My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
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Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.