Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
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Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”