ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
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[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.