I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
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A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.