[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
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Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
What is going on? 😅
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Still my favourite meme.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know