Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
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they split up moments later
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?