Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
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[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.