I have obtained a hat
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*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN