Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
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I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Rt to bother an English speaker
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Comparing yourself to others
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒