Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
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Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
never ask a starfish for directions
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.