According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
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Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite