Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
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It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
sry
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN