I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
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called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Ah yes. The three genders
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
bears
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
We’ve all been there…
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*