What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
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stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I need better friends
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.