The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
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I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .