First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
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As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.