When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
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Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
That stupid look on my face, is my face
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.