anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
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Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
What flavor cupcake are these
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.